Here we are, about to step into the holidays which is always a busy time. I have been feeling the need to post. Following through on my promise to share my journey as encouragement for yours. However I haven't had a clear idea of what to blog about. Well God showed up today and I can't wait to share it with you. For me, the wait was worth it and I hope you feel the same.
Last Sunday at church we sang one of my favorite worship songs, "I Surrender" by Hillsong. Here is a youtube link with lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFORjUcHkKU
Anytime we sing this song I feel so much truth as I sing the words. I surrender myself to His plan. I want to know Him better so that I can hear Him more clearly and be more like Him. But if I am being completely honest, part of my prayer comes from a desire to feel a purpose, have more direction. A year and a half ago my family moved to Texas for my husbands job. I left everything I was in North Carolina and am still waiting to figure out who I am in Texas. This is a little figurative but go with me. People knew me in North Carolina. I was a mom and wife, a choir director, a worship leader, a performer at the local theatre, a Bible study leader, a friend, an event planner, and so on. Here in Texas I am barely even known as a mom and wife. Again, a little exaggerated but go with me. I am a goal driven person and feel like I have mostly been wandering for the better part of the last 15 months now. I believe God told me to write a book about Godly marriage and waiting with anticipation for your spouse last February. That was my direction for a short time. Over the course of the next 3 months I completed a rough draft with much support from my husband but that rough draft still sits on my desk. So when I say I am surrendering to God, it is in hopes that He will give me some direction, goals that I can strive for and achieve.
Well this past Sunday as we were singing "I Surrender" and I was imagining what God had in store for me, He told me to surrender right where I am. Instead of looking for the next step or a big project, He asked me to sit right where I am and work on the responsibilities He has already given me. To me that means being the best mom and wife I can be, facilitating the Bible study I host on Monday nights, and studying the book of Ruth with young women in mind. I can't say I was excited to hear it, but I also can't deny it is what I heard.
Monday came and went and I was feeling pretty useless. No real excitement about my to do list and no real feelings of accomplishment. As I look back, I can say I studied the Word, finished some laundry, check 3 other things off my to do list, played with my youngest daughter, gave a piano lesson, fixed dinner, and facilitated a Bible study. Not bad for one day and I would tell anyone else that was a great day of accomplishments. I am just at a point where I am wanting more. So I went into Tuesday a little down with no enthusiasm. Around 2:00 I made my way into the office to study the book of Ruth some more. All day I knew it should be my focus but I put it off. I don't know exactly what my purpose is in studying it so it is hard to get motivated. As I sat down at the computer with my Bibles and commentaries open I prayed (out loud mind you), "Okay Lord, here I am. Please use this time for your purposes. I really need some encouragement here. Please show me some awesome stuff in the book of Ruth that gives me direction or something that will let me know I am not wasting my time. I really need an 'at a girl today." So I dug into Ruth again. For such a short book there sure is a lot of lessons packed in it. Did you know that Ruth is a book about true love and virtue according to one commentary. Sounds like a young woman's lesson to me. There is also a great comparison of Boaz's characteristics and Christ's. For a man that is no better known than Boaz is, it was awesome to see his attributes compared to the One we all strive to be more like. Anyway, I learned some really cool stuff but it was time to pick up the kids and so I had to put it away. All I could really say for myself is that I put some time in. Blaaaahhhhh. That's what I felt. Blaaaahhhhh.
I picked myself up by the boot straps and moved on. I know in my mind I have nothing to complain about but my feelings say something different. Now we are getting to the good part!!!! At around 4:30 a friend texted me asking if she could ask me for some Godly advise. I said of course and that I would do my best. About 2 hours later she texted that a friend of hers is struggling with abstinence. At first I thought, sure I can help with that. I continued fixing dinner and as we were finishing eating it hit me. Oh my goodness!!!!! I have a whole chapter on abstinence and why God calls us to it! It is full of scriptures, stories, and suggestions. Oh my goodness!!! Could God have given me a quicker or more direct answer to my request. I guess maybe, but I love the one I got. I sure couldn't ask for more. I mean really! That book draft has been sitting on my desk for about 6 months and today, on the day I ask Him to show me that I am not wasting my time, He gives me my first reason to use it! God you are so good and never cease to amaze me.
Now, I know good and well that in reality I will not wake up tomorrow feeling completely fulfilled or clear about my current direction or goals. But by golly I am going to ride this wave of God meeting me right where I am for as long as I can. One step, that's all He is asking of me, one step. (man that is so hard for me but I'm trying!)
